Post by The Dan on May 18, 2016 11:05:19 GMT 12
[The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book on the Explore phase of the 3X Model - Dan]
Many of us are addicted to comfort. We behave like heroin junkies when it comes to getting as comfortable as possible. We lie to ourselves and others to convince ourselves that being comfortable is a good thing, like when we talk about staying in our shit job as part of a “5 Year Plan” to create a comfortable income.
We make completely irrational decisions that can only be explained by an addiction to comfort. We delay quitting, telling ourselves that it’s not the right time and that we can quit whenever we want to, we just don’t want to yet, because of this, that and the other. We say things like “I’ll introduce myself to him tomorrow, I can’t do it now because he’s speaking to someone”. We choose to binge-watch television even though we want to be healthy, alert, and successful.
Confident people understand that growth is painful and that pain is necessary. They understand that uncomfortable sensations inside the body and mind are only sensations, not instructions or demands. Confident people have realized that if they choose to endure small amounts of discomfort on a regular basis, with a plan in mind, they will continuously grow and develop to more comfortable within themselves. Being uncomfortable is the true path to comfort, while being comfortable is the true path to suffering.
What is discomfort? Discomfort is simply any internal sensation that you would not categorize as pleasurable. For some it may be anxiety, fear or confusion. For others it might be loss of control, frustration with things going ‘wrong’, or having no plan. Some people even feel pain when they experience happiness and excitement – particularly those who thrive on drama. Whatever your pain-sensations are, choosing to experience them in order to live by your values is what we mean when we say “choose discomfort to build confidence”. Conversely, when you choose to breach your integrity in order to escape painful sensations, you are working against building confidence.
It is not really courage that leads someone to choose discomfort; it is wisdom. You will have discomfort in your life one way or another, there is no choice about that, and wise people know this to be true. You can hide in a protective bubble for a long time, but that will not stop the pain coming your way. Avoiding pain now, such as the discomfort of facing fear, leads to a much greater suffering later on, when you come to regret your life and feel no sense of purpose. Choosing to remain comfortable is not just cowardly, it is insane. It makes no rational sense and therefore can only be classified as irrational self-sabotage.
Let me paint a picture to show what this looks like in real life.
Let’s say you feel uncomfortable being single. Loneliness and isolation make you feel anxious, unsafe and unloved. The idea of going out to make new friends, while having high standards about who you spend time with, fills you with dread; you don’t believe you’re worthy of choosing other people, and instead believe you should be grateful with whoever you can get. These are your discomfort pains.
Because you don’t want to experience these pains you start to sacrifice your integrity. You smile and laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, because you want to be seen as easy-going and playful. You bite your tongue when someone says something that offends your beliefs, because you don’t want to be the “cause” of someone else feeling hurt. You allow that guy to go a bit further sexually than you were truly comfortable with, because you believe he will like you more; or you feign interest in her job so that she will feel safe enough to let you get into her pants.
This leads you into a relationship with the first person who showed a dedicated interest in you. Sure, there’s a few things about the person which seem not quite right, but they only bother you a little at first. Maybe they do seem a bit petty. Maybe they don’t take your passions quite as seriously as you do. Maybe they don’t seem to invest as much in the connection as you are. This is all acceptable to you, because you believe being single is so much more painful.
Fast-forward ten years. You’re now married and have children with this person. There is no love left in the relationship, just a comfortable pattern of mutual diplomacy whereby you go about your daily routine as if you’re a programmed pair of robots. What little sexual tension once existed has long since died and been replaced with a complacent platonic boredom. You feel trapped in this mediocrity, unable to leave because of the investment of time, energy and children, and unable to stay because of the bitter dissatisfaction that eats at your soul, day after day after miserable day. You fantasize constantly about escape, and drown in envy toward others for having the relationships you wish you had.
This is the difference between pain and suffering. If only you had been able to accept the pain of being single long enough to allow your confidence and independence to grow, long enough to figure out who you really are and what you really want in a partner, you might have found a truly deep and meaningful connection. That chosen pain would have been an investment in your self-confidence and authenticity. Instead, you took the quick-fix instant gratification option, and now you are tortured with the regret of your fear-based decision.
This story is based on many real life case-studies from the clients I work with. It clearly demonstrates why you must learn how to be OK with painful emotional discomfort. It is but a small price to pay for the glorious existence that grows from developing confident authenticity. Confident people understand that it’s better to be single than in an unfulfilling relationship; it’s better to be unemployed than in a soul-crushing job; it’s better to be tired from exercise than to sit snugly on the sofa; it’s better to feel anxiety than it is to consume sugar and drugs. Most of all, they understand that no matter how hard it is to live by your values, it’s always better than the suffering that comes from continually not living by them.
Each time it gets a little bit easier. I can clearly remember the first time I initiated a conversation with a stranger and told her the truth about why I was coming up to say Hi (because I thought she was gorgeous and I wanted to meet her). It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of that year. My heart was pounding so hard it deafened me, my throat was raw and dry, my hands were shaking, and my mind went blank while simultaneously racing with thoughts.
That was the first time. On the one-hundredth time I felt only a slight hesitation, nothing more. By choosing consistent discomfort we inure ourselves to it, and develop an ever-expanding threshold of pain. Those with the highest threshold are the ones who are able to take the biggest risks and survive the biggest failures, and that is why they are more successful, and more comfortable, than you or I.
Many of us are addicted to comfort. We behave like heroin junkies when it comes to getting as comfortable as possible. We lie to ourselves and others to convince ourselves that being comfortable is a good thing, like when we talk about staying in our shit job as part of a “5 Year Plan” to create a comfortable income.
We make completely irrational decisions that can only be explained by an addiction to comfort. We delay quitting, telling ourselves that it’s not the right time and that we can quit whenever we want to, we just don’t want to yet, because of this, that and the other. We say things like “I’ll introduce myself to him tomorrow, I can’t do it now because he’s speaking to someone”. We choose to binge-watch television even though we want to be healthy, alert, and successful.
Confident people understand that growth is painful and that pain is necessary. They understand that uncomfortable sensations inside the body and mind are only sensations, not instructions or demands. Confident people have realized that if they choose to endure small amounts of discomfort on a regular basis, with a plan in mind, they will continuously grow and develop to more comfortable within themselves. Being uncomfortable is the true path to comfort, while being comfortable is the true path to suffering.
What is discomfort? Discomfort is simply any internal sensation that you would not categorize as pleasurable. For some it may be anxiety, fear or confusion. For others it might be loss of control, frustration with things going ‘wrong’, or having no plan. Some people even feel pain when they experience happiness and excitement – particularly those who thrive on drama. Whatever your pain-sensations are, choosing to experience them in order to live by your values is what we mean when we say “choose discomfort to build confidence”. Conversely, when you choose to breach your integrity in order to escape painful sensations, you are working against building confidence.
It is not really courage that leads someone to choose discomfort; it is wisdom. You will have discomfort in your life one way or another, there is no choice about that, and wise people know this to be true. You can hide in a protective bubble for a long time, but that will not stop the pain coming your way. Avoiding pain now, such as the discomfort of facing fear, leads to a much greater suffering later on, when you come to regret your life and feel no sense of purpose. Choosing to remain comfortable is not just cowardly, it is insane. It makes no rational sense and therefore can only be classified as irrational self-sabotage.
Let me paint a picture to show what this looks like in real life.
Let’s say you feel uncomfortable being single. Loneliness and isolation make you feel anxious, unsafe and unloved. The idea of going out to make new friends, while having high standards about who you spend time with, fills you with dread; you don’t believe you’re worthy of choosing other people, and instead believe you should be grateful with whoever you can get. These are your discomfort pains.
Because you don’t want to experience these pains you start to sacrifice your integrity. You smile and laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, because you want to be seen as easy-going and playful. You bite your tongue when someone says something that offends your beliefs, because you don’t want to be the “cause” of someone else feeling hurt. You allow that guy to go a bit further sexually than you were truly comfortable with, because you believe he will like you more; or you feign interest in her job so that she will feel safe enough to let you get into her pants.
This leads you into a relationship with the first person who showed a dedicated interest in you. Sure, there’s a few things about the person which seem not quite right, but they only bother you a little at first. Maybe they do seem a bit petty. Maybe they don’t take your passions quite as seriously as you do. Maybe they don’t seem to invest as much in the connection as you are. This is all acceptable to you, because you believe being single is so much more painful.
Fast-forward ten years. You’re now married and have children with this person. There is no love left in the relationship, just a comfortable pattern of mutual diplomacy whereby you go about your daily routine as if you’re a programmed pair of robots. What little sexual tension once existed has long since died and been replaced with a complacent platonic boredom. You feel trapped in this mediocrity, unable to leave because of the investment of time, energy and children, and unable to stay because of the bitter dissatisfaction that eats at your soul, day after day after miserable day. You fantasize constantly about escape, and drown in envy toward others for having the relationships you wish you had.
This is the difference between pain and suffering. If only you had been able to accept the pain of being single long enough to allow your confidence and independence to grow, long enough to figure out who you really are and what you really want in a partner, you might have found a truly deep and meaningful connection. That chosen pain would have been an investment in your self-confidence and authenticity. Instead, you took the quick-fix instant gratification option, and now you are tortured with the regret of your fear-based decision.
This story is based on many real life case-studies from the clients I work with. It clearly demonstrates why you must learn how to be OK with painful emotional discomfort. It is but a small price to pay for the glorious existence that grows from developing confident authenticity. Confident people understand that it’s better to be single than in an unfulfilling relationship; it’s better to be unemployed than in a soul-crushing job; it’s better to be tired from exercise than to sit snugly on the sofa; it’s better to feel anxiety than it is to consume sugar and drugs. Most of all, they understand that no matter how hard it is to live by your values, it’s always better than the suffering that comes from continually not living by them.
Each time it gets a little bit easier. I can clearly remember the first time I initiated a conversation with a stranger and told her the truth about why I was coming up to say Hi (because I thought she was gorgeous and I wanted to meet her). It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of that year. My heart was pounding so hard it deafened me, my throat was raw and dry, my hands were shaking, and my mind went blank while simultaneously racing with thoughts.
That was the first time. On the one-hundredth time I felt only a slight hesitation, nothing more. By choosing consistent discomfort we inure ourselves to it, and develop an ever-expanding threshold of pain. Those with the highest threshold are the ones who are able to take the biggest risks and survive the biggest failures, and that is why they are more successful, and more comfortable, than you or I.