Post by The Dan on Sept 26, 2016 9:12:47 GMT 12
In general, what do you find frustrating or confusing about your interactions with men?
- shut down re problems
- just don't want to talk, or the opposite with too much information
- self-centred, only interested if it affects them directly
- telling me I don't have a problem - lack of empathy
- dishonesty - lying, deceit, holding back on important details, half-truths, secretive, empty promises
- avoidant of emotion
- defensive when I'm simply trying to share my feelings
- unclear expectations about building relationships
What problems come up for you in relation to communication with men?
- feeling judged, like my problems don't matter and I'm silly for having them
- feeling unimportant
- being led astray, getting my heart broken by deceit and misunderstood expectations
- unable to connect
How do men (or masculine women) communicate differently from women (or feminine men)?
- masculine men always have a point, purpose and mission to their communication. They struggle with the concept of sharing just to share - for them it must be leading to a conclusion or otherwise it does not make sense.
- if you bring a problem to a man, he will assume you're asking for help solving it - he will get frustrated if you share an issue he cannot help with or you refuse his help
- men "hide" details because often details are seen as unimportant, they are simply a distraction from the main point e.g. a man will get lost in a conversation where you name all the people involved in your story if they are not the "main characters" of the "plot"
- men will defensively attack your examples during an argument, because they will believe those examples are what the argument is about. Men communicate directly, so examples ARE the point, whereas women are more likely to use examples to represent how they are feeling, which men might miss. This is where "I don't know why you're mad at me" comes from, because you'll be punishing him for defending against the examples, and he'll be totally lost as to why
- men avoid talking about situations where they are not competent, and will avoid topics that could make them look stupid. For this reason, primarily, men do not like to discuss emotional issues, as they lack the experience, language and understanding required, and fear the unknown risk of chaotic emotion
- due to issues managing emotion, men aim for conversations to be easy to manage, that's why they like either serious talk about cars and sports, or funny nonsense, but not emotional. This why they try to "calm you down" and will even sometimes be judgmental about you being emotional - it's their attempt to get you back to calm and safe and easy
Based on these, what do you need to be doing differently?
- it's important to know the difference between a guy who is trying to connect with you but struggling, vs a guy who actually doesn't care about you. You must step back, look at the entire relationship, and ask yourself "Where is the evidence that he is compassionate toward me?" - a compassionate guy will stay in a conversation to try to help you, even if he's ineffective and misguided and agitated, whereas a cold guy will just try to get you to shut up as quickly as possible
- you must prepare a guy for the content of any conversation that will not have a "point" to it. If you want to just share, let him know you "just want him to listen", so that he has a clear mission to follow. If you're bringing an issue to him, tell him you don't want it solved first, to relieve him of the pressure of trying to fix it
- if the issue is important, be direct – your man will focus on the content of what you say, not what it represents. When examples are attacked, you need to bring him back to the point by saying "that example just represents how I feel, which is X, and this feeling is the point I'm trying to discuss". Women tend to use accusatory statements when agitated - e.g. "you make me feel..." - which men then try to defend rather than listen to. Take responsibility for the way you feel during an argument, e.g. "When you do X, I get myself all worked up about it"
- Men struggle with emotional intelligence, they will express how they "feel" as rational thoughts, like "I feel like Jim always takes my spanners without asking". You can help a man develop his emotional intelligence by translating this for him - "that must be really frustrating for you"
- Men are insecure and doubt your love for them, so will take criticism as a threat. Understand that women are culturally "allowed" to criticize men in a relationship, and often frequently pick on their partners for grooming, hygiene and the way they do things. Understand that this takes it's toll and sometimes you just need to back off a bit - your man is being criticized all day long because "he's a man" and supposed to be able to handle it. Sometimes, he can't!
- shut down re problems
- just don't want to talk, or the opposite with too much information
- self-centred, only interested if it affects them directly
- telling me I don't have a problem - lack of empathy
- dishonesty - lying, deceit, holding back on important details, half-truths, secretive, empty promises
- avoidant of emotion
- defensive when I'm simply trying to share my feelings
- unclear expectations about building relationships
What problems come up for you in relation to communication with men?
- feeling judged, like my problems don't matter and I'm silly for having them
- feeling unimportant
- being led astray, getting my heart broken by deceit and misunderstood expectations
- unable to connect
How do men (or masculine women) communicate differently from women (or feminine men)?
- masculine men always have a point, purpose and mission to their communication. They struggle with the concept of sharing just to share - for them it must be leading to a conclusion or otherwise it does not make sense.
- if you bring a problem to a man, he will assume you're asking for help solving it - he will get frustrated if you share an issue he cannot help with or you refuse his help
- men "hide" details because often details are seen as unimportant, they are simply a distraction from the main point e.g. a man will get lost in a conversation where you name all the people involved in your story if they are not the "main characters" of the "plot"
- men will defensively attack your examples during an argument, because they will believe those examples are what the argument is about. Men communicate directly, so examples ARE the point, whereas women are more likely to use examples to represent how they are feeling, which men might miss. This is where "I don't know why you're mad at me" comes from, because you'll be punishing him for defending against the examples, and he'll be totally lost as to why
- men avoid talking about situations where they are not competent, and will avoid topics that could make them look stupid. For this reason, primarily, men do not like to discuss emotional issues, as they lack the experience, language and understanding required, and fear the unknown risk of chaotic emotion
- due to issues managing emotion, men aim for conversations to be easy to manage, that's why they like either serious talk about cars and sports, or funny nonsense, but not emotional. This why they try to "calm you down" and will even sometimes be judgmental about you being emotional - it's their attempt to get you back to calm and safe and easy
Based on these, what do you need to be doing differently?
- it's important to know the difference between a guy who is trying to connect with you but struggling, vs a guy who actually doesn't care about you. You must step back, look at the entire relationship, and ask yourself "Where is the evidence that he is compassionate toward me?" - a compassionate guy will stay in a conversation to try to help you, even if he's ineffective and misguided and agitated, whereas a cold guy will just try to get you to shut up as quickly as possible
- you must prepare a guy for the content of any conversation that will not have a "point" to it. If you want to just share, let him know you "just want him to listen", so that he has a clear mission to follow. If you're bringing an issue to him, tell him you don't want it solved first, to relieve him of the pressure of trying to fix it
- if the issue is important, be direct – your man will focus on the content of what you say, not what it represents. When examples are attacked, you need to bring him back to the point by saying "that example just represents how I feel, which is X, and this feeling is the point I'm trying to discuss". Women tend to use accusatory statements when agitated - e.g. "you make me feel..." - which men then try to defend rather than listen to. Take responsibility for the way you feel during an argument, e.g. "When you do X, I get myself all worked up about it"
- Men struggle with emotional intelligence, they will express how they "feel" as rational thoughts, like "I feel like Jim always takes my spanners without asking". You can help a man develop his emotional intelligence by translating this for him - "that must be really frustrating for you"
- Men are insecure and doubt your love for them, so will take criticism as a threat. Understand that women are culturally "allowed" to criticize men in a relationship, and often frequently pick on their partners for grooming, hygiene and the way they do things. Understand that this takes it's toll and sometimes you just need to back off a bit - your man is being criticized all day long because "he's a man" and supposed to be able to handle it. Sometimes, he can't!