|
Post by The Dan on Jul 23, 2015 11:33:10 GMT 12
A guy emailed me about his disappointment in how one of the gurus he was following turned out to be an insecure guy who was full of shit. Here's my response:
Part of authenticity and confidence is letting go of judgments. These people 'let you down' only because you had a false identity of them constructed in your head, which they did not live up to. In the end, your judgments lead you to experience painful emotional reactions, simply because they are not living up to the fiction.
That said, I sympathize. It sucks when our idols turn out to be human haha
At the same time, similar situations for me helped me remove status and 'pedestals' in my own life, as I realized everyone is just another flawed primate, no one is better or worse than me.
I realised that I attached to idols and worshiped women due to my own insecurities. This allowed me to focus on myself more, directing my emotional energy to what I could change and influence, rather than expending it on others.
What do you guys think?
|
|
|
Post by Kwando on Aug 7, 2015 12:17:09 GMT 12
awesome
I remember i used to get really disappointed during highschool when none of my mates would offer to chip in for gas (despite me driving all the time as i was the only one with a license and car). In hindsight, i had placed an expectation on them to offer gas money. Is this an example of a judgement i had placed? Or is it different
|
|
|
Post by The Dan on Aug 7, 2015 13:34:23 GMT 12
That sounds like an example of a hidden expectation, or a Covert Contract as Robert Glover would say (from "No more Mr Nice Guy"). The expectation came from your judgment of "they should be like me" (i.e. pay for gas without being asked), which prevented you from asking for what you wanted.
Imagine if instead of waiting and hoping they would be like you, you had simply said "It's your turn to chip in gas money". Probably easier eh?
|
|
Nick
New Member
Posts: 16
|
Post by Nick on Aug 13, 2015 4:37:55 GMT 12
I like this a lot. It really helps to not attach imaginary qualities to people and to purely base your assessment of a person on their actual actions rather than what you would hope for them to be. I think teachers are a really good example of this. They are probably better than you currently at a particular skill through being more practiced and experienced and so you look to them for guidance. In my experience I tend to start looking up to the person and in my head they become better, even in aspects of their life that I know nothing about. Reading your comments helps to put that into perspective and realise a bit more about what's going on in my head and the story I'm telling myself. My mind just tells me such awesome stories sometimes. It also tells me some really horrible ones too. I'm working on my filter and taking a far more evidence based approach.
|
|
Nick
New Member
Posts: 16
|
Post by Nick on Aug 13, 2015 7:21:21 GMT 12
Actually, now I read my comments again, I think when I say "assessment of a person", that sounds very much like judgment. Even if it is based on their actual actions and not just what I've made up in my head, it still has my own cognitive biases applied. Really, I should have no attachment to another person's actions at all.
|
|