Post by The Dan on Aug 11, 2015 12:46:32 GMT 12
Key factors for discussion
- We cannot hurt someone else's feelings with truth, only their resistance to the truth can harm them
- Behind the bullshit we tell ourselves, the truth as to why we don't give feedback is because we don't trust our reaction to their reaction
- There is a significant difference between being judgmental and giving honest feedback
What gets in the way of helpful honest feedback?
- Doubting your authority - "who am I to say this?"
- Vicarious pain - forcing advice on someone without their permission, because watching them do it their way causes you discomfort/insecurity
- Attaching 'negative' to the idea of giving feedback; thinking that you hurt someone with feedback
- Sugar coating and being being vague to avoid the painful truth
- Assuming the person has a higher status than you, making you feel 'ineligible' to give them feedback
- Not willing to lose them; sacrificing honesty for their approval
- Unable to figure out if the feedback is to help them or to help yourself
- Taking responsibility for their emotions - www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/stop-taking-responsibility-for-other-peoples-emotions/
Why do people get upset about feedback?
- They feel attacked - you're probably not getting permission before giving feedback. You've triggered their anti-authority reaction
- You've triggered their insecurity - you might be being judgmental instead of rational (e.g. giving someone 'assessment' feedback such as "That doesn't look good on you" or "That could be better")
- Feeling pressure by expectations - you may be assuming a higher status (e.g. "You should be XYZ by now")
- Feeling disrespected - you might be trying to manipulate them for your own benefit rather than helping them change for their benefit
- They are someone who is conditioned to be externally validated by others, therefore more sensitive and irrationally reactive to the opinions of others
The key factors to giving helpful and non-judgmental feedback:
- Question your own motive for giving feedback first. Do you want to help them, are you trying to set a boundary of respect, or are you just being insecure?
- Prepare the person by asking permission (spark their curiosity) and creating a safe environment. NEVER continue without permission. If they don't want to hear it, move on. If you need to set boundaries, acknowledge that they don't want feedback and simply set expectations about how you will react e.g. "OK I can see you don't want my opinion on this. As your behaviour has affected me negatively and you don't want to change, I will now have to break up with you"
- Separate the behaviour from the person. You are not giving "them" feedback, you are giving feedback on a specific piece of behaviour. A whole person is too complex to give feedback on, so to do so is judgmental and inaccurate.
- Be as specific as possible, focus on evidence, not assumptions and mind reading bullshit
- Follow the BEIRD model
RESOURCES
Use the BEIRD model - Click here for the BEIRD model instructions
- We cannot hurt someone else's feelings with truth, only their resistance to the truth can harm them
- Behind the bullshit we tell ourselves, the truth as to why we don't give feedback is because we don't trust our reaction to their reaction
- There is a significant difference between being judgmental and giving honest feedback
What gets in the way of helpful honest feedback?
- Doubting your authority - "who am I to say this?"
- Vicarious pain - forcing advice on someone without their permission, because watching them do it their way causes you discomfort/insecurity
- Attaching 'negative' to the idea of giving feedback; thinking that you hurt someone with feedback
- Sugar coating and being being vague to avoid the painful truth
- Assuming the person has a higher status than you, making you feel 'ineligible' to give them feedback
- Not willing to lose them; sacrificing honesty for their approval
- Unable to figure out if the feedback is to help them or to help yourself
- Taking responsibility for their emotions - www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/stop-taking-responsibility-for-other-peoples-emotions/
Why do people get upset about feedback?
- They feel attacked - you're probably not getting permission before giving feedback. You've triggered their anti-authority reaction
- You've triggered their insecurity - you might be being judgmental instead of rational (e.g. giving someone 'assessment' feedback such as "That doesn't look good on you" or "That could be better")
- Feeling pressure by expectations - you may be assuming a higher status (e.g. "You should be XYZ by now")
- Feeling disrespected - you might be trying to manipulate them for your own benefit rather than helping them change for their benefit
- They are someone who is conditioned to be externally validated by others, therefore more sensitive and irrationally reactive to the opinions of others
The key factors to giving helpful and non-judgmental feedback:
- Question your own motive for giving feedback first. Do you want to help them, are you trying to set a boundary of respect, or are you just being insecure?
- Prepare the person by asking permission (spark their curiosity) and creating a safe environment. NEVER continue without permission. If they don't want to hear it, move on. If you need to set boundaries, acknowledge that they don't want feedback and simply set expectations about how you will react e.g. "OK I can see you don't want my opinion on this. As your behaviour has affected me negatively and you don't want to change, I will now have to break up with you"
- Separate the behaviour from the person. You are not giving "them" feedback, you are giving feedback on a specific piece of behaviour. A whole person is too complex to give feedback on, so to do so is judgmental and inaccurate.
- Be as specific as possible, focus on evidence, not assumptions and mind reading bullshit
- Follow the BEIRD model
RESOURCES
Use the BEIRD model - Click here for the BEIRD model instructions