Post by The Dan on Aug 14, 2015 12:03:24 GMT 12
What is Valued Living?
- knowing the difference between the Real Self (who you are being right now), the Ought Self (who you've been conditioned into believing you 'should' be), and the Ideal Self (a guy living by your values consistently)
- you don't feel any need to explain your behaviour to yourself (e.g. "I didn't say hi to that girl because she's on the phone") because you feel deeply satisfied with your actions. You know deep down you did the right thing for you
- you are following a code, but it's about motives, not rules
- it's all about action - thinking and talking about your values is not the same as living by them. Stop telling people you are [insert value here e.g. honest] and show them you are instead
Generally, how do we know we are NOT living by our values?
- Authenticity Gap - a shameful sensation of difference between Real Self and Ideal Self (after filtering out the distraction of Ought Self)
- guilt about past actions based on how they let you down re beliefs
- a tendency/desire to stay comfortable
The 7 Deadly Sins - How are you breaching your values?
WRATH - trying to get retribution because you feel something has been taken from you. Blaming external sources for your internal pain. Feeling that life is somehow unfair and that you are entitled to 'pay-back'. Wanting others to suffer to appease your own suffering.
Values breached: abundance, acceptance, giving, love
GREED - neediness through seeking of external validation, often demonstrated by attachment to possessions. Allowing others to be harmed in order to externally benefit yourself. Unable to find internal satisfaction without external rewards.
Values breached: presence, compassion, empathy, abundance, acceptance
SLOTH - procrastination and avoidance of doing what is right for you. Laziness. Short-term focus on being comfortable right now, rather than creating a long term rewarding life.
Values breached: courage, determination, honesty
PRIDE - an unhealthy and insecure attachment to an externally validated identity. Taking ownership of luck instead of being grateful for your advantages. Belief that you are better or worse than other people, as an entire person. Not able to enjoy situations unless you 'win', and losing joy in the process of living in the moment.
Values breached: gratitude, honesty, presence
ENVY - attached to external measures of self-worth. Attributing excuses to your failure to live by values by claiming others have advantages over you. Feeling entitled to rewards without requiring effort or having to endure discomfort. Blaming others for taking away opportunities you believe are yours by right.
Values breached: honesty, responsibility, courage, passion
LUST - wanting to get; having an unhealthy attachment to external rewards. Entitled to receive external pleasures without having to earn them. Lack of restraint and patience - bulldozing your way to external gratification rather than enjoying the process of getting there. Anger when rewards are withheld.
Values breached: giving, respect, gratitude, abundance
GLUTTONY - excess of external comfort sources, wasting resources, an imbalanced use of fuel. Neediness and scarcity driving a desire to consume. Deriving comfort from consumption.
Values breached: respect, presence, gratitude, abundance, courage
Redemption
- you can always go back to living by your values, there is no 'failure', you simply went off track. They are patiently waiting for you to rejoin them
- take action rather than trying to 'not do' something. Identify which value has been breached and create an action to live by it
- know that you will always have times where you breach your values. It's about getting back on the horse
- you can't undo your past errors but you can make up for them. Rather than wishing for a different past, create a rewarding or reparative present action
- self-honesty and acceptance are the key elements to managing value breaches - first admit you did it, then accept it happened - then you'll be able to do something to get back on track
Resources:
Beginner's Guide to Managing Manipulation
Menprovement Academy interview on Values