Post by The Dan on Aug 25, 2015 11:01:36 GMT 12
What is 'rapport'?
- comfort
- safety
- trust and openness
- desire to see more of that person
- vulnerability
- empathy and understanding (not to be confused with 'sympathy', which often comes out as judgmental)
- shared/aligned values and philosophy - you may disagree on content but agree on the values underneath
What behaviours break rapport?
- drifting body language and eye-contact
- interrupting
- being judgmental, such as assuming their motive, giving advice, false sympathy (assuming you know how they feel), and sarcasm. All of these can be OK once rapport is established and permission is given
- manipulation, trying to get something
- anything that indicates different status levels
- imbalanced investment - one person giving more than the other
Reflective listening techniques:
These go up in effectiveness as the number goes up. To demonstrate, I will give an example of each level's reaction to someone saying "Man, this weekend was full on! I went kayaking, surfing and partied all Sunday."
1) Basic reflection (aka mirroring) - just repeat the main point of what someone has just said - "So you went kayaking and surfing and then wrapped it up with a big party"
2) Paraphrasing - give the person your own interpretation of what they have said - "Sounds like an action-packed couple of days"
3) Open questions - questions/statements that are impossible to answer with "yes", "no", or another short answer (e.g. "good"), and that show you have been listening - "Tell me more about the party"
4) Relating - using what they've said to trigger something about yourself which you then share - "That's awesome man, it reminds of the other week when I partied so hard I had to sleep for 2 days solid after"
5) Emotional identification - looking beneath the content to identify how they feel and pointing that out - "I can hear the passion in your voice man, must have been an exciting weekend for you"
6) Emotional relating - finding the emotion beneath the content and then relating to the emotion - "I love intense weekends like that, I get to feel like I'm really alive and I just don't want to stop"
And don't forget, the one thing that trumps all of these for building rapport is sharing shame. If you reveal what you're ashamed of, and they realise you are doing this, you will build massive instant rapport and respect (or they will reveal they're a bad fit).
Resources:
The 3x Confidence and Authenticity Model
Read this before you judge others
Managing Manipulation
- comfort
- safety
- trust and openness
- desire to see more of that person
- vulnerability
- empathy and understanding (not to be confused with 'sympathy', which often comes out as judgmental)
- shared/aligned values and philosophy - you may disagree on content but agree on the values underneath
What behaviours break rapport?
- drifting body language and eye-contact
- interrupting
- being judgmental, such as assuming their motive, giving advice, false sympathy (assuming you know how they feel), and sarcasm. All of these can be OK once rapport is established and permission is given
- manipulation, trying to get something
- anything that indicates different status levels
- imbalanced investment - one person giving more than the other
Reflective listening techniques:
These go up in effectiveness as the number goes up. To demonstrate, I will give an example of each level's reaction to someone saying "Man, this weekend was full on! I went kayaking, surfing and partied all Sunday."
1) Basic reflection (aka mirroring) - just repeat the main point of what someone has just said - "So you went kayaking and surfing and then wrapped it up with a big party"
2) Paraphrasing - give the person your own interpretation of what they have said - "Sounds like an action-packed couple of days"
3) Open questions - questions/statements that are impossible to answer with "yes", "no", or another short answer (e.g. "good"), and that show you have been listening - "Tell me more about the party"
4) Relating - using what they've said to trigger something about yourself which you then share - "That's awesome man, it reminds of the other week when I partied so hard I had to sleep for 2 days solid after"
5) Emotional identification - looking beneath the content to identify how they feel and pointing that out - "I can hear the passion in your voice man, must have been an exciting weekend for you"
6) Emotional relating - finding the emotion beneath the content and then relating to the emotion - "I love intense weekends like that, I get to feel like I'm really alive and I just don't want to stop"
And don't forget, the one thing that trumps all of these for building rapport is sharing shame. If you reveal what you're ashamed of, and they realise you are doing this, you will build massive instant rapport and respect (or they will reveal they're a bad fit).
Resources:
The 3x Confidence and Authenticity Model
Read this before you judge others
Managing Manipulation