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Post by jasonyeoh on Oct 31, 2015 13:42:16 GMT 12
This is actually a repost from the Brojo Community page on Facebook to store here on the forums for future reference. You can search for the post as well if you on part of the Facebook Group.
Hey guys, so last night I had a first date and even though I texted her one hour earlier to say "See ya at 8pm" and she responded "see you soon", she was still about 20 minutes late. =.='
When she arrived though, she did apologise and had a guilty look on her face and like she was slightly afraid that I might be angry. I was a bit irritated by her being late but I didn't know how to deal with someone wronging me. I felt afraid that if I got angry, it might sour the mood and there wouldn't be a conversation. So I just pressed on and suggested we go get a drink. Anyone have thoughts about what mindset and action would be helpful in dealing with situations where someone has wronged you/crossed your boundaries?
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Post by Mike on Oct 31, 2015 16:41:00 GMT 12
This is a really good question, it made me do some introspection.
I used to get very upset about this type of situation, but now I really enjoy those moments. They are like "free bonus time" where I can get really meaningful things done.
I think there are two changes I made that shifted my perspective.
The first one is that I started trying to re-frame the situation more accurately. It's easy to interpret someone making you wait, or being late to a meeting as "disrespect" but in most cases that's not at all what was intended.
Now when someone "does something" that "makes" me feel anxious or frustrated, I stop and consider why I feel that way. Usually I find that no one else is causing the feeling at all- I am just choosing to interpret the situation inaccurately.
So in your example, I'd change my frame to "wow she must be having a stressful day and lots of traffic to deal with" and then when she arrives, I'm the one helping her feel relaxed, rather than me feeling "owed" and disgruntled.
The second change is that I always have something available to work on. My iPhone kindle is full of great books, plus I have email, forums... heaps of stuff. When the battery runs out, I have heaps of things to think about and 'Release,' and I find that these times are the absolute best because there are zero other distractions.
This week I had to unexpectedly spend about 20 hours at A&E, and I feel like not a moment was wasted. When I got bored with working I just had fun making new friends. It was actually really refreshing.
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Post by david on Oct 31, 2015 20:19:01 GMT 12
Immediately as she arrives mate is what I'd aim for, in whichever way feels comfortable e.g. casual tone with authority behind it, smile..."Oi, you're late, don't do it again. Okay, let's grab that drink". Or..."this isn't 8pm"...basically comment in the moment or you need to back track and give specific feedback with context which also works...e.g. tell her before your next date that, before another date happens...you wanted to make sure it's understood that your time is valuable and when she was late by 20 minutes, like on the first date, it made you feel ... how would she feel if you made an arrangement and she was left waiting for 20 minutes, explore her boundaries...have fun. Don't get angry bro, breathe, and figure out what's really happening inside.
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