Post by Mike on Dec 24, 2016 17:03:17 GMT 12
24-Dec-2016 Session
Bob and Henry started a great conversation about the challenge of having parents who come from a different cultural environment than you do, and how to break free of those limits. There were a few solid insights-
+ In traditional Asian cultures, family is a very important part of identity. So much so that individual names present the family name first.
+ Children who are then raised in a Western cultural environment struggle with that. Growing up in NZ creates a competition between the values of your peers and the values of your parents, with the children forced to choose between them.
+ There seem to be contrasting perspectives - Western families see the family as a nest, in which the children grow, and then leave. Eastern families, seem to see the family as a tree. It will keep adding branches, but it is permanent, and needs to be protected at all cost. No one born into the family ever really leaves, and the tree is more important than the branches.
+ Solving the Parent / Child conflict will probably involve some kind of confrontation, in which respect and frame-setting must be balanced.
+ Parents see themselves as responsible for their children, especially until the children leave home. Once the children show that they can take full responsibility for themselves, then the parents can begin to trust letting go.
We also got into a very interesting discussion on the impact that parents have on your personal psychology-
+ The idea that your mind MAY BE made up of a number of distinct personalities, not just one “you”, and that different personalities are dominant at different times. This is not a universally accepted idea among psychologists or neuroscientists, but it has a strong following and there is some interesting research in this space recently.
+ The idea that very significant people in your development – especially your parents – are represented by some of your personalities. You “hear” their opinions about everything you do, every decision you make, even long after they have left your life.
+ If this creates barriers for you, confrontation is still essential here, even though you are essentially confronting part of yourself.
+ Whatever the underlying neuroscience and psychology, the core concept here is that often we feel conflict with ourselves, and often this is a conflict between our own core values, and values that were instilled in us by parents, teachers, mentors, peers, religious figures, and society.
Dealing with this can be challenging because (a) we don’t want to lose our parents, and (b) what we were taught as a child has deep impact on us, and difficult to separate from our core values. Children don’t have the critical thinking skills needed to question what they’re being taught at a young age.
Besides confrontation, we can also deal with acceptance of the pain through “Inner child” work. There is some discussion of this in-
“Game Over” by John Cooper
gameover.thejohncooper.net/
Bob and Henry started a great conversation about the challenge of having parents who come from a different cultural environment than you do, and how to break free of those limits. There were a few solid insights-
+ In traditional Asian cultures, family is a very important part of identity. So much so that individual names present the family name first.
+ Children who are then raised in a Western cultural environment struggle with that. Growing up in NZ creates a competition between the values of your peers and the values of your parents, with the children forced to choose between them.
+ There seem to be contrasting perspectives - Western families see the family as a nest, in which the children grow, and then leave. Eastern families, seem to see the family as a tree. It will keep adding branches, but it is permanent, and needs to be protected at all cost. No one born into the family ever really leaves, and the tree is more important than the branches.
+ Solving the Parent / Child conflict will probably involve some kind of confrontation, in which respect and frame-setting must be balanced.
+ Parents see themselves as responsible for their children, especially until the children leave home. Once the children show that they can take full responsibility for themselves, then the parents can begin to trust letting go.
We also got into a very interesting discussion on the impact that parents have on your personal psychology-
+ The idea that your mind MAY BE made up of a number of distinct personalities, not just one “you”, and that different personalities are dominant at different times. This is not a universally accepted idea among psychologists or neuroscientists, but it has a strong following and there is some interesting research in this space recently.
+ The idea that very significant people in your development – especially your parents – are represented by some of your personalities. You “hear” their opinions about everything you do, every decision you make, even long after they have left your life.
+ If this creates barriers for you, confrontation is still essential here, even though you are essentially confronting part of yourself.
+ Whatever the underlying neuroscience and psychology, the core concept here is that often we feel conflict with ourselves, and often this is a conflict between our own core values, and values that were instilled in us by parents, teachers, mentors, peers, religious figures, and society.
Dealing with this can be challenging because (a) we don’t want to lose our parents, and (b) what we were taught as a child has deep impact on us, and difficult to separate from our core values. Children don’t have the critical thinking skills needed to question what they’re being taught at a young age.
Besides confrontation, we can also deal with acceptance of the pain through “Inner child” work. There is some discussion of this in-
“Game Over” by John Cooper
gameover.thejohncooper.net/