Post by The Dan on Jul 2, 2015 16:58:48 GMT 12
Eliminating rejection
What is "rejection"?
- being told to leave
- having your expectations for the future relationship crushed
- feeling isolated and alone
- having someone no longer interested in you
- abandonment
- perception of having failed in your attempt to connect with someone
- anger and a sense of loss - that emotional arrow to the chest
- having a relationship investment not return the value you've put in
- being at a different status level than someone else
- disappointment in yourself for 'failing' or being 'unattractive' in some way
What causes you to view an interaction as a 'rejection'?
- outcome focus - needing to get something from the other person. Without this neediness there cannot be a rejection!!! You can't feel rejected by someone you need nothing from
- expecting a result based on further connection with the person, beyond the current interaction (i.e. hoping to 'win' in some way)
- entitlement to rewards, thinking you 'deserve' love, sex, affection and approval
- having your self-worth attached to the opinions of other people
- believing the other person must react positively for your actions to qualify as giving
- having trust or hope attached to the fictional future you've created in your mind (e.g. happily ever after)
- being future-focused rather than present
- having your identity attached to interactions
- seeing the other person/people as higher status than you
- the person's reaction triggers insecurities you already have and you start to mind-read (e.g. "She frowned... that means she must not like me because I'm too short")
- believing you've been judged, which only shows that you are judgmental about yourself - otherwise you wouldn't consider their judgment to be worth considering! (E.g. if someone said to you "You're too qawerargtqereraer", you wouldn't care because it means nothing to you - you can only be affected if you think it's important to be impressive about what they are judging you on)
How can you eliminate rejection as a concept from your mind?
- have a greater purpose than trying to GET something from the other person, such as doing it for values (e.g. inviting someone to connect to increase your courage), or doing it to practice (e.g. initiating conversation with someone to learn how to use the 3X Model)
- aim to impress yourself and get your own approval
- do it for the sake of curiosity - entering the interaction just to see what happens, being curious and accepting of all outcomes, to learn more about socialising and humans in general, welcoming someone not liking you as an interesting experience
- trying to polarise through honesty - aim to eliminate people from your life quickly if they're a bad fit, through being so honest that they either love you or leave you
- GIVE VALUE - aim to engage in an interaction for the sake of making their day, rather than making yours, but realise it's up to them to enjoy it - it's not your responsibility
- own your gift - dive in 100% when you give, do not give tentatively or apologetically, go hard!
- consciously reframe 'rejection' as simply 'evidence of a possible bad fit'. If you've been honest with the person and they don't like you, they will probably never like you. Move on
Key points:
- Focus on honesty and giving
- Be the party, they can come in if they want but you won't be chasing them
- Bring your focus of attention to the present moment
- aim to reduce harmful and pointless investment by figuring out whether or not you will be a good fit EARLY
Your homework:
Give someone a no-expectations genuinely honest compliment
Free resources:
My infamous Queen Street video
Byron Katie the enlightened mind - www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KlzduGvbvU
www.socialheartistry.com/
menprovementacademy.com/
What is "rejection"?
- being told to leave
- having your expectations for the future relationship crushed
- feeling isolated and alone
- having someone no longer interested in you
- abandonment
- perception of having failed in your attempt to connect with someone
- anger and a sense of loss - that emotional arrow to the chest
- having a relationship investment not return the value you've put in
- being at a different status level than someone else
- disappointment in yourself for 'failing' or being 'unattractive' in some way
What causes you to view an interaction as a 'rejection'?
- outcome focus - needing to get something from the other person. Without this neediness there cannot be a rejection!!! You can't feel rejected by someone you need nothing from
- expecting a result based on further connection with the person, beyond the current interaction (i.e. hoping to 'win' in some way)
- entitlement to rewards, thinking you 'deserve' love, sex, affection and approval
- having your self-worth attached to the opinions of other people
- believing the other person must react positively for your actions to qualify as giving
- having trust or hope attached to the fictional future you've created in your mind (e.g. happily ever after)
- being future-focused rather than present
- having your identity attached to interactions
- seeing the other person/people as higher status than you
- the person's reaction triggers insecurities you already have and you start to mind-read (e.g. "She frowned... that means she must not like me because I'm too short")
- believing you've been judged, which only shows that you are judgmental about yourself - otherwise you wouldn't consider their judgment to be worth considering! (E.g. if someone said to you "You're too qawerargtqereraer", you wouldn't care because it means nothing to you - you can only be affected if you think it's important to be impressive about what they are judging you on)
How can you eliminate rejection as a concept from your mind?
- have a greater purpose than trying to GET something from the other person, such as doing it for values (e.g. inviting someone to connect to increase your courage), or doing it to practice (e.g. initiating conversation with someone to learn how to use the 3X Model)
- aim to impress yourself and get your own approval
- do it for the sake of curiosity - entering the interaction just to see what happens, being curious and accepting of all outcomes, to learn more about socialising and humans in general, welcoming someone not liking you as an interesting experience
- trying to polarise through honesty - aim to eliminate people from your life quickly if they're a bad fit, through being so honest that they either love you or leave you
- GIVE VALUE - aim to engage in an interaction for the sake of making their day, rather than making yours, but realise it's up to them to enjoy it - it's not your responsibility
- own your gift - dive in 100% when you give, do not give tentatively or apologetically, go hard!
- consciously reframe 'rejection' as simply 'evidence of a possible bad fit'. If you've been honest with the person and they don't like you, they will probably never like you. Move on
Key points:
- Focus on honesty and giving
- Be the party, they can come in if they want but you won't be chasing them
- Bring your focus of attention to the present moment
- aim to reduce harmful and pointless investment by figuring out whether or not you will be a good fit EARLY
Your homework:
Give someone a no-expectations genuinely honest compliment
Free resources:
My infamous Queen Street video
Byron Katie the enlightened mind - www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KlzduGvbvU
www.socialheartistry.com/
menprovementacademy.com/