Post by The Dan on Jul 2, 2015 17:03:29 GMT 12
What is a relationship?
- a connection that we have attached a label to, like "partner" or "friend" or even "parents"
- each label has rules attached, e.g. not allowed to have sex with a Friend, must do what Boss says, must not offend someone I'm Dating, etc.
- these rules create obligations and expectations, pressure which we feel reduces our FREEDOM
- a 'friendzone' toxic relationship is usually a result of the man hiding sexual desire
What is a genuine connection?
- you are being the real you, with no holding back and nothing hidden, no attempts to manipulate the other person into liking you
- instead of labels we recognise that each connection changes over time in terms of level of intimacy
- whatever it is right now could be different tomorrow, there are no rules
- balanced investment, each person is equal in status to the other
What affect does labelling relationships have?
- relationship labels are outcome-focused - they are based on the rules we think are required to GET a result from the other person
- the pressure makes socialising uncomfortable and brings out our neediness and insecurity in unhelpful ways
- the rules prevent us from exploring our desires fully, and therefore we do not connect as deeply as we could
- the neediness is matched by the other person and reciprocated, so both people become psychologically unhealthy in the relationship
How do we encourage someone to match our investment in the connection?
- giving = trust
- giving = sharing about yourself. You then balance this by creating the space for them to share in return
- always give them the option to leave. Whether through body language or words, make sure they constantly feel safe to leave you
- paying attention is the best gift you can give. If someone feels you are genuinely THERE with them, they will feel either a strong desire to reciprocate or a strong desire to leave. Both of these are helpful for you to nurture, as they lead to bringing high quality people into your life while avoiding time wasted on low quality connections
- listening to what they are saying UNDER their words. Using curiosity to find out what they really mean
- frame control - telling the other person what you believe reality to be, and inviting them to embrace it
- ultimatum - either they invest equally or they leave, there is no way you're going to allow them to sit back while you do all the work
How can we "close" a conversation without trying to take from them?
- invitation - invite them to an event in your life, making sure that it's something you'll go to with or without them
- sharing how they've affected you e.g. "This is has been my favourite conversation of the day"
- sharing how you feel about seeing them again e.g. "It sucks that I have to go now. I'd love to keep talking with you"
The 7 Principles of Relationship Building
1. Focus on living by your values
2. Prioritise integrity over the relationship
3. Be willing to lose them
4. Invite them into your life, rather than creating a life for them
5. Focus on expressing how you feel about them - practicing honesty - rather than trying to make a relationship happen
6. Do not apologise for what is true about you
7. Explore any beliefs they have about relationships that are different to yours, instead of arguing who is right v wrong
Resources
www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/how-to-lead-a-conversation/
www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/the-perfect-first-date/
www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/the-3x-confidence-and-authenticity-model-explained/