Post by The Dan on Aug 7, 2015 12:51:17 GMT 12
"Shame occurs when you attach the concept of 'wrong' or 'bad' to something you know is true about you" - Dan
What is shame?
- two different types, social and individual
- 'social' shame is humiliation, embarrassment etc based on other people judging you (doing something you were originally OK with)
- 'inidividual' shame is guilt from not living by values (no one else needs to know and there's still guilt)
- it comes from a negative self-assessment
- different types of guilt about your thoughts, feelings or behaviour
- the internal self-assessment of 'not good enough'
How does it affect us?
- leads us towards secrecy and deception - dishonesty - not being authentic, lacking integrity
- make us question and not accept reality, saying things like "I should have done this" or "I shouldn't have done that"
Where does shame come from?
- parental conditioning, being trained to think things that are true about you are also wrong
- media and movies portraying in inaccurate perception of how life 'should' be, and how people 'should' act (e.g. portraying the Nice Guy as a hero and the shameless guy as evil)
- we accept shame when it comes from people we have decided are Authority
- breaking rules we have created about behaviour, which are often not based on real evidence
- Mind Reading - guessing that other people are thinking negative things about us without actually asking to verify
- lack of awareness about other peoples' motives (e.g. when someone gives you advice you think they are trying to help you, yet you never asked for their help, so why are they really doing it?)
What does it mean to be 'shameless'?
- the art of not giving a fuck what other people think, combined with living by your values so that you approve of your own behaviour
- non-judgmental, of both yourself and others
- accepting of the truth about yourself
- owning everything about yourself, including your weaknesses and failures - no apologies for being you
What can we do to become more shameless?
- reframe other people from being 'authority' or 'better' than you into just being humans, with their own flaws and insecurities like everyone else
- let go of your attachment to being liked by others, allow them to judge and disaprove of you
- look for objective evidence rather than opinion
- measure your examples of behaviour separately, rather than measuring 'yourself' as a single entity (e.g. "I didn't do that task correctly" instead of "I am useless")
- make a decision to accept what ever it was that you thought, felt or did - the past cannot be changed but it can be learned from. There is no alternative reality, only reality
- learn more about your conditioning. What irrational things have you been conditioned to believe? How can you test these?
- challenge yourself when you Mind Read and guess peoples' motives, by actually asking
- accept criticism as merely a challenge, not as fact
- stand up for yourself as often as possible and take better care of yourself - prove to yourself that you're worthwhile
- replace passivity with assertiveness - go for what you want instead of waiting for it to be given to you
- practice empathy - understand that everyone else is hiding shame too, assume others are insecure before guessing the motives behind their behaviour
- question the motives for criticism. When someone gives you feedback you didn't ask for, ask them why
- spend more time with your kind of people - your tribe - by using honesty to filter out bad fits
- ask permission to help people instead of imposing help on them
- practice honesty and acceptance as often as possible
Resources
Article on why you should listen to guilt
Dan's Walk of Shame video