Post by The Dan on Sept 8, 2015 9:47:49 GMT 12
What are boundaries?
- defining the roles in relationships (e.g. boss and employee), with the rules and expectations that govern those roles
- a line of tolerance, that when crossed causes harm
- range from mildly annoying to make-or-break relationship demands
- all about RESPECT - crossing a boundary is an act of either conscious or unconscious disrespect (sometimes you don't know you're being disrespectful)
- boundaries are not solely related to the factual content of a discussion, they are more about respect of your values
Why do we need to enforce boundaries?
- sets precendents for behaviour; if we don't enforce boundaries we can expect the harmful behaviour to both continue and escalate in severity
- safety - we feel unsafe when our boundaries are crossed AND we feel unsafe when someone we are with does not define their boundaries i.e. confrontations are healthy for long-term relationships
- boundary setting helps us measure whether or not the other person respects our values (i.e. are they a good fit for me?)
- continuous disrespect builds up resentment, which eventually leads to a big, irrational, often relationship-ending explosion
- sorting out differences when they first arise saves a lot of time, hassle and pain later on
- calling out confrontations early allows bad fits to be identified before too much investment takes place
What's the difference between a "confrontation" and a "conflict"?
- confrontation is a direct and open expression of your boundaries - the limits of your tolerance for specific behaviours - often delivered calmly and rationally
- conflict is when someone becomes emotionally attached to winning the argument, due to their insecurities
- conflict loses relevance to the original topic and becomes about emotional point-scoring
- a conflict occurs when someone takes the argument personally, or when someone tries to make it about the other person personally
- confrontation is triggered by perceived disrespect, and only becomes a conflict once one or both parties take it personally
- conflict is often caused by a sense of unfairness when someone's hidden expectations are not met
- conflict is a sign that one person is feeling threatened and insecure (which means it was based on previous harm and has nothing to do with you!)
- when someone gets upset by you confronting them it's often because you have exposed the truth about them not living by their own values. They lash out to avoid acknowledging their own integrity failure (again, nothing to do with you, so if you take it personally you are being irrational)
Warning signs that we need to initiate a confrontation
- the other person changes the way they are talking, in a way that demonstrates emotional distress (e.g. an extrovert going quiet, or a calm person becoming agitated)
- topic starts to shift away from the main point onto past grievances and button-pushing
- "zingers" - cheap, point-scoring digs designed to bring the other person down
- repetition of the same point over and over
- feeling disrespected or unsafe
- aggression and defensiveness, feelings of attack
How do we set and maintain boundaries?
- the key value is Honesty, through specific accuracy. Conflicts come from hidden problems, honesty shines a light on all hidden issues and brings them out for rational exploration
- open contract and agenda - being clear, direct and specific about what you expect, rather than hidden, never assuming the other person "should know" your boundaries. Instead, you assume they don't know anything and need to be told
- first use Curiosity to unpack any conflict the other person is having, and do not try to enforce the boundary until they are willing to discuss rationally - silence is a powerful tool to use here, and could last for days or weeks if necessary
- use the BEIRD model (below) to deliver feedback on what behaviour you want changed - know what value they are disrespecting and what behaviour change would demonstrate respect
- sometimes a time-out is needed to maintain rationality e.g. "I don't trust myself to talk about this right now because I'm too angry, let's come back to it in an hour"
- stamina is key - you simply need to outlast their irrationality and disrespect with a constant irresistible force, like a parent calmly waiting for their toddler to finish having a tantrum. Essentially the other person is having an irrational tantrum, so either help them through it, wait them out, or just cut them out of your life completely. How much you like them or need their cooperation will determine your level of required patience and caring
Resources
Managing expectations
Why you need to have confrontations
Giving feedback using the BEI(R)D model