Post by The Dan on Sept 14, 2015 11:10:03 GMT 12
What is manipulation?
- being influenced
- often means being pushed towards something another person wants for themselves
- everything we do socially is technically a form of manipulation, because it influences people whether they want it to or not
- change in our brains, particularly our emotional state, due to the actions and words of others
- unconscious 'push'
What is the difference between helpful and unhelpful manipulation?
HELPFUL:
- aimed at your best interests, which are elicited through asking (e.g. "How can I help you best?")
- based on giving and increasing value in a situation (e.g. teaching)
- exploits your strengths for your own benefit
- values-focused, transparent, and willing to lose you
- comes from a foundation of honesty, curiosity and respect (aka The 3X Model)
- makes life better - leads to improvement
UNHELPFUL:
- deceitful and based on dishonesty - the person's motive is hidden or disguised in some way
- designed to get you to achieve an outcome for someone else, often at your own cost
- exploits your insecurities for someone else's benefit
- your beliefs are used against you
- outcome-focused and needy
- you feel like you lose something in the end
- abuse of trust and authority through provoking cognitive biases
- creates false needs, brings out your neediness through provoking uncertainty and fear
- it can only happen if you have an insecurity you are trying to hide!!!
How does manipulation relate to emotion?
- all decisions are made emotionally and backward-rationalised
- unhelpful manipulation focuses on making you feel something that steers you towards a certain behaviour, mostly through causing fear, doubt and insecurity
- neediness and fear lead to irrational short-term decision-making, which makes you easier to control
- the only way to tell if you are being manipulated is to pay attention to your emotional state, particularly unusual changes in emotional state in reaction to the other person's words or actions
- manipulation is actually an internal concept - you are only 'manipulated' if your emotions change - therefore manipulation is about what's happening inside your mind and body, not what the other person is doing/saying (i.e. someone could manipulate you without meaning to, just because of your insecure reaction)
The four types of unhelpful manipulation:
FLATTERY - also known as validation, where you are made to feel 'good' about yourself in order to get you do stuff for other people e.g. flirting and false compliments. You know it's happening when someone's actions make you feel good about yourself; a secure person makes themselves feel good, so only insecurity can allow another person to increase your feelings of self-worth! Key warning sign is wanting to please someone else for rewards.
INVALIDATION - a more complex and sophisticated method, where you are made to doubt yourself. Often subtle, such as "Can I please speak to a manager?", it's designed to make you question your skill and values. The key warning sign is feelings of guilt and uncertainty.
INTIMIDATION - a basic form of manipulation that uses fear, such as 'stand-over' tactics like interrupting, staring someone out, or encroaching on someone's personal space. The more extreme form is threats and violence. The key warning sign is fear and desire to avoid someone's disapproval.
DISTRACTION - also known as "Woe is me!", this is all about distracting someone away from their point by any means possible. A common tactic is to bombard you with their problems to make it too overwhelming for you to manage boundaries. The warning signs are pity, guilt for making their lives worse, and substantial shift in focus (i.e. "Wait... what were we talking about?")
COMBINATIONS - most manipulators will combine the above 4 types. For example, someone might make you feel good by giving you a compliment, then make you feel guilty about not doing them a favour - "You're such a good worker that it surprises me you were so slack on this project". You'll know you're managing manipulation well if the person keeps switching tactics to try to get through your armour (e.g. starting with trying to intimidate you then switching to trying to make you feel sorry for them).
How can we manage manipulation?
SILENCE - reacting quickly leads to poor decision-making, and most manipulation is about trying to get you to make impulsive emotional decisions. Silence makes you slow down and pay attention to your own reactions, as well as pressuring the manipulator to fill the space, which will often unravel their attempts.
CALLING IT OUT - honesty is the main cure for manipulation, and in particular telling the other person you feel manipulated. It neutralises their attempts because if they continue after it's been called out it becomes really obvious and pathetic. Remember to base this on how you feel, not make it an accusation. For example, "When you bought up my past mistake, I felt like you were trying to make me feel guilty. It distracted me from my point, which was about your harmful behaviour. What do you think about that?"
MOTIVE CURIOSITY - ask them why they are trying to influence you. Get to their core motive, rather than assuming this actually has anything to do with you (it doesn't, they're just insecure).
BOUNDARY AGREEMENTS - come to a clear and specific agreement about behaviour. Set a boundary and then hold them to it.
DO NOT ... try to counter-manipulate them, as this will expose you to being owned by better manipulators, and even if you're better at it you will still just trigger your own insecurities.
Resources
Full article on Managing Manipulation - under30ceo.com/beginners-guide-managing-manipulation/
Setting boundaries through honest feedback - www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/giving-feedback-without-creating-enemies-re-define-honesty/
- being influenced
- often means being pushed towards something another person wants for themselves
- everything we do socially is technically a form of manipulation, because it influences people whether they want it to or not
- change in our brains, particularly our emotional state, due to the actions and words of others
- unconscious 'push'
What is the difference between helpful and unhelpful manipulation?
HELPFUL:
- aimed at your best interests, which are elicited through asking (e.g. "How can I help you best?")
- based on giving and increasing value in a situation (e.g. teaching)
- exploits your strengths for your own benefit
- values-focused, transparent, and willing to lose you
- comes from a foundation of honesty, curiosity and respect (aka The 3X Model)
- makes life better - leads to improvement
UNHELPFUL:
- deceitful and based on dishonesty - the person's motive is hidden or disguised in some way
- designed to get you to achieve an outcome for someone else, often at your own cost
- exploits your insecurities for someone else's benefit
- your beliefs are used against you
- outcome-focused and needy
- you feel like you lose something in the end
- abuse of trust and authority through provoking cognitive biases
- creates false needs, brings out your neediness through provoking uncertainty and fear
- it can only happen if you have an insecurity you are trying to hide!!!
How does manipulation relate to emotion?
- all decisions are made emotionally and backward-rationalised
- unhelpful manipulation focuses on making you feel something that steers you towards a certain behaviour, mostly through causing fear, doubt and insecurity
- neediness and fear lead to irrational short-term decision-making, which makes you easier to control
- the only way to tell if you are being manipulated is to pay attention to your emotional state, particularly unusual changes in emotional state in reaction to the other person's words or actions
- manipulation is actually an internal concept - you are only 'manipulated' if your emotions change - therefore manipulation is about what's happening inside your mind and body, not what the other person is doing/saying (i.e. someone could manipulate you without meaning to, just because of your insecure reaction)
The four types of unhelpful manipulation:
FLATTERY - also known as validation, where you are made to feel 'good' about yourself in order to get you do stuff for other people e.g. flirting and false compliments. You know it's happening when someone's actions make you feel good about yourself; a secure person makes themselves feel good, so only insecurity can allow another person to increase your feelings of self-worth! Key warning sign is wanting to please someone else for rewards.
INVALIDATION - a more complex and sophisticated method, where you are made to doubt yourself. Often subtle, such as "Can I please speak to a manager?", it's designed to make you question your skill and values. The key warning sign is feelings of guilt and uncertainty.
INTIMIDATION - a basic form of manipulation that uses fear, such as 'stand-over' tactics like interrupting, staring someone out, or encroaching on someone's personal space. The more extreme form is threats and violence. The key warning sign is fear and desire to avoid someone's disapproval.
DISTRACTION - also known as "Woe is me!", this is all about distracting someone away from their point by any means possible. A common tactic is to bombard you with their problems to make it too overwhelming for you to manage boundaries. The warning signs are pity, guilt for making their lives worse, and substantial shift in focus (i.e. "Wait... what were we talking about?")
COMBINATIONS - most manipulators will combine the above 4 types. For example, someone might make you feel good by giving you a compliment, then make you feel guilty about not doing them a favour - "You're such a good worker that it surprises me you were so slack on this project". You'll know you're managing manipulation well if the person keeps switching tactics to try to get through your armour (e.g. starting with trying to intimidate you then switching to trying to make you feel sorry for them).
How can we manage manipulation?
SILENCE - reacting quickly leads to poor decision-making, and most manipulation is about trying to get you to make impulsive emotional decisions. Silence makes you slow down and pay attention to your own reactions, as well as pressuring the manipulator to fill the space, which will often unravel their attempts.
CALLING IT OUT - honesty is the main cure for manipulation, and in particular telling the other person you feel manipulated. It neutralises their attempts because if they continue after it's been called out it becomes really obvious and pathetic. Remember to base this on how you feel, not make it an accusation. For example, "When you bought up my past mistake, I felt like you were trying to make me feel guilty. It distracted me from my point, which was about your harmful behaviour. What do you think about that?"
MOTIVE CURIOSITY - ask them why they are trying to influence you. Get to their core motive, rather than assuming this actually has anything to do with you (it doesn't, they're just insecure).
BOUNDARY AGREEMENTS - come to a clear and specific agreement about behaviour. Set a boundary and then hold them to it.
DO NOT ... try to counter-manipulate them, as this will expose you to being owned by better manipulators, and even if you're better at it you will still just trigger your own insecurities.
Resources
Full article on Managing Manipulation - under30ceo.com/beginners-guide-managing-manipulation/
Setting boundaries through honest feedback - www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/giving-feedback-without-creating-enemies-re-define-honesty/