Post by The Dan on Sept 15, 2015 16:28:22 GMT 12
What is attraction?
- there's "something about them" that draws you into wanting more time with them
- a present feeling where the person stands out in a crowd
- specific magnetism, noticing something about them that makes them unique in your eyes
- desire to be "flooded" with their presence
- deep curiosity - they become intensely interesting
- sexual attraction is a subset of overall attraction, we are 'attracted' to people we don't want sex with too, like mentors, friends and family
What are the internal processes of attraction?
LIGHT:
- interest
- excitement
- questions about them
- drawn to their personality
- a sense that they matter
- physical desire
- focus
- connection
DARK:
- jealousy
- neediness
- desire for them to reciprocate attraction
- sense of inadequacy in their presence
- a hope that you matter to them
- worry about their safety
- possessiveness
- fear of rejection
THESE ARE ALL THINGS YOU CAN SHARE EQUALLY TO SHOW ATTRACTION! Let them see both the light and the dark, from a position of amused curiosity e.g. "Isn't it funny? I noticed that I felt jealous when you made that other guy laugh. It must mean I like you"
How do we separate attraction from neediness?
- learn the difference between Conditioned Attraction and Authentic Attraction. Conditioned is what we think we should be attracted to, Authentic is something we feel deeply no matter what the person is like (e.g. I might be conditioned to only be attracted to thin supermodels, then one day find myself attracted to a larger girl because "there's something about her")
- past experience biases us, for example thinking that brunettes are more attractive because your first girlfriend was a brunette, when in reality hair colour is meaningless
- with Authentic Attraction we are so grateful to have experienced something with them that we do not feel resentment when it's over, just appreciation
- when we are needy, we feel loss of the person as if we've lost part of ourselves, which shows they were filling a hole we already had (insecurity)
- "pure" attraction comes from high self-worth as a foundation
- if we focus on our own development during interactions we separate neediness from attraction (e.g. approaching girls to practice the 3X model rather than trying to make them like us)
- the core of the connection should be about how we feel towards each other, not about outcomes like getting laid
How do curiosity and observations link to attraction?
- take the time to notice specific and unique things about the other person. Avoid vague compliments designed to make them like you, and instead try to find the deeper things about them, like insecurity and dreams
- figure out why they stand out to you, specifically
- ask yourself "How do I feel right now?" and share that with them, as often as possible
- understand that everyone loves to have an impact on others, so show them the impact they have on you
- speak with statements and assumptions that share things about you, rather than needy questions designed to keep the conversation going
- use silence regularly, so that they have the freedom to leave you at any time
- allow them to provoke the memories, stories, insecurities, thoughts and feelings in your mind, and share these as honestly as possible
- practice all of this on people you're not sexually attracted to first, so you understand the difference between attraction and lust
Resources
Initiating conversations video - www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BmX203vSno
Creating authentic relationships - www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/how-to-create-an-authentic-relationship/
- there's "something about them" that draws you into wanting more time with them
- a present feeling where the person stands out in a crowd
- specific magnetism, noticing something about them that makes them unique in your eyes
- desire to be "flooded" with their presence
- deep curiosity - they become intensely interesting
- sexual attraction is a subset of overall attraction, we are 'attracted' to people we don't want sex with too, like mentors, friends and family
What are the internal processes of attraction?
LIGHT:
- interest
- excitement
- questions about them
- drawn to their personality
- a sense that they matter
- physical desire
- focus
- connection
DARK:
- jealousy
- neediness
- desire for them to reciprocate attraction
- sense of inadequacy in their presence
- a hope that you matter to them
- worry about their safety
- possessiveness
- fear of rejection
THESE ARE ALL THINGS YOU CAN SHARE EQUALLY TO SHOW ATTRACTION! Let them see both the light and the dark, from a position of amused curiosity e.g. "Isn't it funny? I noticed that I felt jealous when you made that other guy laugh. It must mean I like you"
How do we separate attraction from neediness?
- learn the difference between Conditioned Attraction and Authentic Attraction. Conditioned is what we think we should be attracted to, Authentic is something we feel deeply no matter what the person is like (e.g. I might be conditioned to only be attracted to thin supermodels, then one day find myself attracted to a larger girl because "there's something about her")
- past experience biases us, for example thinking that brunettes are more attractive because your first girlfriend was a brunette, when in reality hair colour is meaningless
- with Authentic Attraction we are so grateful to have experienced something with them that we do not feel resentment when it's over, just appreciation
- when we are needy, we feel loss of the person as if we've lost part of ourselves, which shows they were filling a hole we already had (insecurity)
- "pure" attraction comes from high self-worth as a foundation
- if we focus on our own development during interactions we separate neediness from attraction (e.g. approaching girls to practice the 3X model rather than trying to make them like us)
- the core of the connection should be about how we feel towards each other, not about outcomes like getting laid
How do curiosity and observations link to attraction?
- take the time to notice specific and unique things about the other person. Avoid vague compliments designed to make them like you, and instead try to find the deeper things about them, like insecurity and dreams
- figure out why they stand out to you, specifically
- ask yourself "How do I feel right now?" and share that with them, as often as possible
- understand that everyone loves to have an impact on others, so show them the impact they have on you
- speak with statements and assumptions that share things about you, rather than needy questions designed to keep the conversation going
- use silence regularly, so that they have the freedom to leave you at any time
- allow them to provoke the memories, stories, insecurities, thoughts and feelings in your mind, and share these as honestly as possible
- practice all of this on people you're not sexually attracted to first, so you understand the difference between attraction and lust
Resources
Initiating conversations video - www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BmX203vSno
Creating authentic relationships - www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/how-to-create-an-authentic-relationship/