Post by The Dan on Oct 6, 2015 8:48:50 GMT 12
What's the point of a first date?
- measuring whether or not you will be a good fit with each other
- to go out and have fun
- establish boundaries for the connection (note: we use the word 'connection' instead of 'relationship' to break away from the rules we have attached to the word relationship)
- to practice honesty and other social skills
- to enjoy a new connection, for however long it lasts, even if it's only one date
What are the best mindset tips for great dates?
- have nothing to prove, be there for You
- aim to judge them on whether or not they share your values (e.g. are they honest? Do they like to get out of their comfort zone?), rather than some superficial list of characteristics (e.g. must have a good job and love kids)
- be open to them surprising you. Maybe they're not your usual type, or maybe they will redefine your type!
- you are inviting them to your world, NOT changing your world to suit them - you are 'dating yourself' and they are simply invited along for the ride!
- just going to see what they are like, and using the date to figure out if you want to see them one more time (forget long term)
What mistakes do most people make on a first date?
- try to prove themselves and impress the other person (gives you lower status which makes you unattractive)
- sticking to traditional rules like 'dinner and a movie' or 'wait til the end of the date to kiss them' and 'the man should pay', rather than creating your own rules
- believing the date is the start of a relationship, and becoming attached to that outcome
- trying to get laid (as opposed to naturally escalating sexually if it feels right)
- not setting boundaries for fear of scaring them away
- lying and hiding the truth about yourself
- believing you have to keep it 'positive' and make them 'happy' - based on a fear of being seen as 'weak' for having normal human flaws and insecurities - often represented by constantly checking up on them - "Are you OK?"
- trying to keep it smooth and comfortable
- trying to think of something 'good' to say instead of just being curious and commenting honestly on what you observe
What makes for a GREAT first date?
- spontaneity - mixing it up and having fun, going on an impulsive adventure together
- leadership - taking charge of investment levels, location and logistics, physical escalation, and all other risk-taking (though to balance investment they should also take turns at leading, e.g. "Alright, I chose the venue so you choose the drinks!").
- Be decisive - it's better to get it hilariously wrong than to be constantly asking "So what do you want to do now?"
- balanced investment - you can lead but do not significantly invest more than they do, nor should you allow them to invest more than you. Levels of intimacy, honesty and respect must be equal
- connecting deeply on shared insecurities
- an emotional ride of highs and lows rather than boringly smooth
- honest sexual escalation - if you want to kiss her, then try to kiss her, don't wait for some rule or signal. Allow minor rejections to help you measure where the different investment levels are. Remember, "No" usually means "Not yet", unless they leave completely
- congruence and integrity - are you treating them any different to how you treat your friends and family? Be You, as if you have nothing to lose. She has been invited to your world, let her decide if she wants to stay instead of trying to make her want to
- silence, and plenty of it. Allow yourself to contemplate before you respond, and let her contemplate before she does. Silence builds rapport more than talking, as long as you are OK with it. Forced conversation to fill the gap is needy, shallow and often quite fake
- statements instead of questions. If you are going to ask a question, make sure you genuinely give a shit about the answer first, don't do it just to keep her talking
Resources
- Look up coach Rich Litvin on YouTube and watch some of his live coaching videos, notice the massively powerful silences
- Check out Mitch's post on experimenting with Silence brojo.freeforums.net/thread/60/silence-experiment-real-world-results
- Check out this article elitemanmagazine.com/the-best-first-date-tips-40-tips-from-40-experts/
- measuring whether or not you will be a good fit with each other
- to go out and have fun
- establish boundaries for the connection (note: we use the word 'connection' instead of 'relationship' to break away from the rules we have attached to the word relationship)
- to practice honesty and other social skills
- to enjoy a new connection, for however long it lasts, even if it's only one date
What are the best mindset tips for great dates?
- have nothing to prove, be there for You
- aim to judge them on whether or not they share your values (e.g. are they honest? Do they like to get out of their comfort zone?), rather than some superficial list of characteristics (e.g. must have a good job and love kids)
- be open to them surprising you. Maybe they're not your usual type, or maybe they will redefine your type!
- you are inviting them to your world, NOT changing your world to suit them - you are 'dating yourself' and they are simply invited along for the ride!
- just going to see what they are like, and using the date to figure out if you want to see them one more time (forget long term)
What mistakes do most people make on a first date?
- try to prove themselves and impress the other person (gives you lower status which makes you unattractive)
- sticking to traditional rules like 'dinner and a movie' or 'wait til the end of the date to kiss them' and 'the man should pay', rather than creating your own rules
- believing the date is the start of a relationship, and becoming attached to that outcome
- trying to get laid (as opposed to naturally escalating sexually if it feels right)
- not setting boundaries for fear of scaring them away
- lying and hiding the truth about yourself
- believing you have to keep it 'positive' and make them 'happy' - based on a fear of being seen as 'weak' for having normal human flaws and insecurities - often represented by constantly checking up on them - "Are you OK?"
- trying to keep it smooth and comfortable
- trying to think of something 'good' to say instead of just being curious and commenting honestly on what you observe
What makes for a GREAT first date?
- spontaneity - mixing it up and having fun, going on an impulsive adventure together
- leadership - taking charge of investment levels, location and logistics, physical escalation, and all other risk-taking (though to balance investment they should also take turns at leading, e.g. "Alright, I chose the venue so you choose the drinks!").
- Be decisive - it's better to get it hilariously wrong than to be constantly asking "So what do you want to do now?"
- balanced investment - you can lead but do not significantly invest more than they do, nor should you allow them to invest more than you. Levels of intimacy, honesty and respect must be equal
- connecting deeply on shared insecurities
- an emotional ride of highs and lows rather than boringly smooth
- honest sexual escalation - if you want to kiss her, then try to kiss her, don't wait for some rule or signal. Allow minor rejections to help you measure where the different investment levels are. Remember, "No" usually means "Not yet", unless they leave completely
- congruence and integrity - are you treating them any different to how you treat your friends and family? Be You, as if you have nothing to lose. She has been invited to your world, let her decide if she wants to stay instead of trying to make her want to
- silence, and plenty of it. Allow yourself to contemplate before you respond, and let her contemplate before she does. Silence builds rapport more than talking, as long as you are OK with it. Forced conversation to fill the gap is needy, shallow and often quite fake
- statements instead of questions. If you are going to ask a question, make sure you genuinely give a shit about the answer first, don't do it just to keep her talking
Resources
- Look up coach Rich Litvin on YouTube and watch some of his live coaching videos, notice the massively powerful silences
- Check out Mitch's post on experimenting with Silence brojo.freeforums.net/thread/60/silence-experiment-real-world-results
- Check out this article elitemanmagazine.com/the-best-first-date-tips-40-tips-from-40-experts/