Post by The Dan on Oct 20, 2015 9:24:10 GMT 12
What does it mean to have an authentic conversation/connection?
- Honesty – being yourself, not hiding anything true about you
- Shameless vulnerability, allowing your weaknesses and dark side to be seen
- Express in the moment - focusing on who you are right now and letting go of past and future focus
- no filter
What filters to we apply to interactions that reduce authenticity?
- acceptability - What will be the most acceptable thing to say? rather than speaking your truth
- Mindreading - guessing how someone is reacting or will react, and adjusting to that, instead of asking them what they really think
- Appearance - from voice tone to grooming and fashion - presenting ourselves in a way that we think matches our 'identity' or in a way that will please/impress others
- Appropriateness - thinking there are rules on how we can act in certain situations (e.g. work) and sacrificing integrity to 'fit in'
- Status - believing that some people are better than us (e.g. attractive people or bosses) and filtering what we say to make sure they approve of us
- impressiveness - getting stuck because we don’t know what to say that will impress the other person
- Trying to get - having a hidden goal in the interaction that you are unwilling to risk losing (e.g. getting laid, selling a product, etc), so you avoid any truth that you think will reduce your likelihood of getting
- Pretence - anything that allows them to believe a fictional identity you've created, e.g. The Funny Guy, or Mr Nothing Fazes Me
How do these filters affect the connection?
- On guard all the time, get exhausted with the constant worry, assessment and acting
- The other person starts acting too because they don't trust you, they can tell there's something fake happening and they start trying to fit in with that
- you both miss out on each others' personality while your "Acts" engage with each other, with no real connection happening
- no quantity of people in your life removes the feeling of loneliness, there is no quality to your connections
- get stuck in a past and future view rather than present - you're either worried what people think or regretting past interactions
- the neediness creates an aura of desperation which is unattractive and creepy to both parties
How do we create an authentic conversation?
- focus on connection rather than achieving a goal - "Is this person a good fit for me?"
- Acceptance and secrets - let the truth come out and use this to help identify whether or not you share the same values
- create safety from judgment by trying to accept them, however they are
- seek to gain energy rather than exhaust yourself, through being Curious
- let go of your need to impress them - allow them to hate the real you if that's how they feel
- pay attention, it's up to you to be present and genuinely interested in them if you want it in return
- Let them speak before you have your next turn - be comfortable allowing silence to draw out - ensure you both Respect each other by investing equally
The 3X Model
Here's an in-depth discussion on how to apply the 3X Model of Curiosity, Honesty and Respect - brojo.freeforums.net/thread/27/interview-sean-menprovement-com-model
Resources
Article on leading conversations www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/how-to-lead-a-conversation/
Article on creating authentic connections www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/how-to-create-an-authentic-relationship/
- Honesty – being yourself, not hiding anything true about you
- Shameless vulnerability, allowing your weaknesses and dark side to be seen
- Express in the moment - focusing on who you are right now and letting go of past and future focus
- no filter
What filters to we apply to interactions that reduce authenticity?
- acceptability - What will be the most acceptable thing to say? rather than speaking your truth
- Mindreading - guessing how someone is reacting or will react, and adjusting to that, instead of asking them what they really think
- Appearance - from voice tone to grooming and fashion - presenting ourselves in a way that we think matches our 'identity' or in a way that will please/impress others
- Appropriateness - thinking there are rules on how we can act in certain situations (e.g. work) and sacrificing integrity to 'fit in'
- Status - believing that some people are better than us (e.g. attractive people or bosses) and filtering what we say to make sure they approve of us
- impressiveness - getting stuck because we don’t know what to say that will impress the other person
- Trying to get - having a hidden goal in the interaction that you are unwilling to risk losing (e.g. getting laid, selling a product, etc), so you avoid any truth that you think will reduce your likelihood of getting
- Pretence - anything that allows them to believe a fictional identity you've created, e.g. The Funny Guy, or Mr Nothing Fazes Me
How do these filters affect the connection?
- On guard all the time, get exhausted with the constant worry, assessment and acting
- The other person starts acting too because they don't trust you, they can tell there's something fake happening and they start trying to fit in with that
- you both miss out on each others' personality while your "Acts" engage with each other, with no real connection happening
- no quantity of people in your life removes the feeling of loneliness, there is no quality to your connections
- get stuck in a past and future view rather than present - you're either worried what people think or regretting past interactions
- the neediness creates an aura of desperation which is unattractive and creepy to both parties
How do we create an authentic conversation?
- focus on connection rather than achieving a goal - "Is this person a good fit for me?"
- Acceptance and secrets - let the truth come out and use this to help identify whether or not you share the same values
- create safety from judgment by trying to accept them, however they are
- seek to gain energy rather than exhaust yourself, through being Curious
- let go of your need to impress them - allow them to hate the real you if that's how they feel
- pay attention, it's up to you to be present and genuinely interested in them if you want it in return
- Let them speak before you have your next turn - be comfortable allowing silence to draw out - ensure you both Respect each other by investing equally
The 3X Model
Here's an in-depth discussion on how to apply the 3X Model of Curiosity, Honesty and Respect - brojo.freeforums.net/thread/27/interview-sean-menprovement-com-model
Resources
Article on leading conversations www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/how-to-lead-a-conversation/
Article on creating authentic connections www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/how-to-create-an-authentic-relationship/