Post by The Dan on Mar 5, 2016 8:43:59 GMT 12
What is Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS)?
- a desire to please others and seek approval, so strong that it leads men to cast aside all masculinity and become passive, subservient and emotionally/sexually ashamed
- an absence of values and integrity, all of these are sacrificed to get people to like the Nice Guy
- a deep, bitter anger toward the world, hidden even from the Nice Guy himself, until it bursts out in a rage
- www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/why-your-boyfriend-doesnt-initiate-sex/
What does it mean to seek approval and be a people-pleaser?
- www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/self-sacrifice-10-signs-that-you-are-a-people-pleaser/
- www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/the-art-of-charm-how-to-stop-people-pleasing/
What are the symptoms of NGS?
- Helping without being asked
- Covert contracts
- Unbalanced over-emphasis on helping others, being kind and generous (all with hidden agenda)
- Fear or hatred toward women (attractive women in particular)
- Desperate desire to please
- Manipulate others into ‘happy’ emotional states
- Severely repressed emotional expression (apathy)
- Lack of assertiveness, decisiveness, risk-taking, leadership, courage, honesty
- Attached to identity – such as Nice Guy, Reliable, Friendly, Lovely
A lot of Nice Guy behaviour appears generous from the outside, what makes it different from TRUE generosity and kindness?
- toxic motives - Nice Guys are trying to get something (e.g. approval, love, praise, sex)
- there is a hidden intention of taking, disguised as an intention to give, which the Nice Guy even lies to himself about
How do these beliefs and behaviour affect our lives and the lives of others?
- the strategy simply does not work
- Nice Guy behaviour pushes away love, affection and sex, sacrificing connection for meaningless validation
More specifically, how does NGS affect our ability to connect with women?
- it's needy and repulsive
- it's weak and lacks masculinity, so there is no sexuality to be attracted to
- it makes women suspect the motives, which leads them to test the man for trustworthiness, slowly crushing him over time even when they don't want to
What fears drive this behaviour?
- Abandonment - the fear that we will be left alone, stemming from the basic childhood fear that is necessary for survival at a young age
- Insignificance - the fear that we are not worthy, that we have no point or purpose, leading us to seek recognition from others
- Survival - the fear that we will die without the love of others
How do we overcome these fears?
- journaling, start learning to track your behaviour and give yourself feedback on your intentions
- get feedback from others on your people-pleasing, ask them how they feel about you being so nice all the time
- stop helping people until you know you have a pure motive for doing it (anonymous giving)
- choose discomfort through confrontation every day
RESOURCES
www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/nice-guys-and-the-women-who-enable-them/
www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
- a desire to please others and seek approval, so strong that it leads men to cast aside all masculinity and become passive, subservient and emotionally/sexually ashamed
- an absence of values and integrity, all of these are sacrificed to get people to like the Nice Guy
- a deep, bitter anger toward the world, hidden even from the Nice Guy himself, until it bursts out in a rage
- www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/why-your-boyfriend-doesnt-initiate-sex/
What does it mean to seek approval and be a people-pleaser?
- www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/self-sacrifice-10-signs-that-you-are-a-people-pleaser/
- www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/the-art-of-charm-how-to-stop-people-pleasing/
What are the symptoms of NGS?
- Helping without being asked
- Covert contracts
- Unbalanced over-emphasis on helping others, being kind and generous (all with hidden agenda)
- Fear or hatred toward women (attractive women in particular)
- Desperate desire to please
- Manipulate others into ‘happy’ emotional states
- Severely repressed emotional expression (apathy)
- Lack of assertiveness, decisiveness, risk-taking, leadership, courage, honesty
- Attached to identity – such as Nice Guy, Reliable, Friendly, Lovely
A lot of Nice Guy behaviour appears generous from the outside, what makes it different from TRUE generosity and kindness?
- toxic motives - Nice Guys are trying to get something (e.g. approval, love, praise, sex)
- there is a hidden intention of taking, disguised as an intention to give, which the Nice Guy even lies to himself about
How do these beliefs and behaviour affect our lives and the lives of others?
- the strategy simply does not work
- Nice Guy behaviour pushes away love, affection and sex, sacrificing connection for meaningless validation
More specifically, how does NGS affect our ability to connect with women?
- it's needy and repulsive
- it's weak and lacks masculinity, so there is no sexuality to be attracted to
- it makes women suspect the motives, which leads them to test the man for trustworthiness, slowly crushing him over time even when they don't want to
What fears drive this behaviour?
- Abandonment - the fear that we will be left alone, stemming from the basic childhood fear that is necessary for survival at a young age
- Insignificance - the fear that we are not worthy, that we have no point or purpose, leading us to seek recognition from others
- Survival - the fear that we will die without the love of others
How do we overcome these fears?
- journaling, start learning to track your behaviour and give yourself feedback on your intentions
- get feedback from others on your people-pleasing, ask them how they feel about you being so nice all the time
- stop helping people until you know you have a pure motive for doing it (anonymous giving)
- choose discomfort through confrontation every day
RESOURCES
www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/nice-guys-and-the-women-who-enable-them/
www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339