Post by The Dan on May 6, 2016 10:31:26 GMT 12
What does it mean to be honest?
- your words reflect what is going on inside you - say what you think
- there is an absence of conscious manipulation attempts
- doing what you want to do
What is the difference between honesty and accuracy/truthfulness?
- honesty may not accurately reflect what you believe to be true, particularly in the heat of an emotional moment (e.g. saying "I hate you!" when you really mean "I am feeling overwhelmed by rage right now and I have a petty desire to blame it on you!")
- accuracy is specific, based on evidence, and reflects the subjective nature of truth (e.g. honesty might be "I like you", but accuracy would be "I noticed when you walked into the room and I felt the temperature in my body go up")
- honesty can be inaccurate, such as being judgmental, because you may be reflecting what you think or feel but that does not line up with reality (e.g. I could say "You are gorgeous", but who am I to make such an assessment? It would be more accurate to say "In my eyes, you are gorgeous" because no human can accurately judge aesthetic beauty)
How does dishonesty/inaccuracy play a role in our lives?
- fear of social disapproval - adjusting how we express our truth to make sure others are not upset by it, or that our reputation is not harmed by it (e.g. pretending to agree with someone)
- fear of losing/not winning - moderating our behaviour to achieve an outcome, and sacrificing our values and our integrity to win (e.g. hiding attraction from someone to keep their friendship)
- lying to ourselves, not facing painful truths by avoiding reflection on our own behaviour, and blaming external circumstances for our behaviour (e.g. "You made me angry" instead of "I got myself angry when I saw you do that")
- believing our perceptions and trusting our assumptions - not testing what we think is true, taking no action and just believing our thoughts
- living the life we've been told to live rather than the one we want to live, e.g. working in a job that you'd leave if you won the lottery - shows you're only working there because you allowed society to convince you to be afraid of poverty
- living in "maybe" - not making decisions until you feel certain, instead of making a decision to create certainty
How can you distinguish the noise in your head from the truth?
- understand that the noise in your head is just thoughts and sensations, neither of which are factual evidence, despite your brain claiming they are true
- ask yourself "Where's the evidence for my belief?" and even more importantly: "Where's the evidence that challenges my belief?"
- feedback - how do other people perceive your version of the truth? Can you find reliable sources of feedback to challenge your thoughts with? NOTE - ignore anyone who gives you feedback that you didn't ask for - they are not doing it for you, they are trying to make you into something that pleases them more, or they are seeking validation
- test EVERYTHING - use constant experimentation to learn more about yourself, never allowing yourself to believe you have found the final answer to anything
- journalling - learn to assess your behaviour and thoughts objectively after you have "cooled down" to double-check your beliefs, intentions and accuracy of perception
What needs to happen before you can have the courage to speak or act as truthfully as possible? How do we achieve deep vulnerable truthfulness?
- take it one small step at a time - desensitize yourself to the fears you have blocking your honesty by trying to be just a little bit more truthful every day
- learn what your values are and start living by them, change your reasons and intentions from outcome-dependence (trying to get something) which often leads to dishonesty, to living by values, which is the path to honesty
- practice in safe places and with safe people first
- leave any situation that fights against you being truthful (e.g. a sales job where you're encouraged to lie) and disconnect from people who don't accept you for what you truly are
- learn how to use The 3X Model
Resources
Approval seeking article www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/are-you-a-toxic-approval-seeker/
Why you need to be more honest www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/making-it-easier-to-be-honest/
Creating meaningful social connections through honesty www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7BayVnkIB0
The 3X Model explained www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/the-3x-confidence-and-authenticity-model-explained/
- your words reflect what is going on inside you - say what you think
- there is an absence of conscious manipulation attempts
- doing what you want to do
What is the difference between honesty and accuracy/truthfulness?
- honesty may not accurately reflect what you believe to be true, particularly in the heat of an emotional moment (e.g. saying "I hate you!" when you really mean "I am feeling overwhelmed by rage right now and I have a petty desire to blame it on you!")
- accuracy is specific, based on evidence, and reflects the subjective nature of truth (e.g. honesty might be "I like you", but accuracy would be "I noticed when you walked into the room and I felt the temperature in my body go up")
- honesty can be inaccurate, such as being judgmental, because you may be reflecting what you think or feel but that does not line up with reality (e.g. I could say "You are gorgeous", but who am I to make such an assessment? It would be more accurate to say "In my eyes, you are gorgeous" because no human can accurately judge aesthetic beauty)
How does dishonesty/inaccuracy play a role in our lives?
- fear of social disapproval - adjusting how we express our truth to make sure others are not upset by it, or that our reputation is not harmed by it (e.g. pretending to agree with someone)
- fear of losing/not winning - moderating our behaviour to achieve an outcome, and sacrificing our values and our integrity to win (e.g. hiding attraction from someone to keep their friendship)
- lying to ourselves, not facing painful truths by avoiding reflection on our own behaviour, and blaming external circumstances for our behaviour (e.g. "You made me angry" instead of "I got myself angry when I saw you do that")
- believing our perceptions and trusting our assumptions - not testing what we think is true, taking no action and just believing our thoughts
- living the life we've been told to live rather than the one we want to live, e.g. working in a job that you'd leave if you won the lottery - shows you're only working there because you allowed society to convince you to be afraid of poverty
- living in "maybe" - not making decisions until you feel certain, instead of making a decision to create certainty
How can you distinguish the noise in your head from the truth?
- understand that the noise in your head is just thoughts and sensations, neither of which are factual evidence, despite your brain claiming they are true
- ask yourself "Where's the evidence for my belief?" and even more importantly: "Where's the evidence that challenges my belief?"
- feedback - how do other people perceive your version of the truth? Can you find reliable sources of feedback to challenge your thoughts with? NOTE - ignore anyone who gives you feedback that you didn't ask for - they are not doing it for you, they are trying to make you into something that pleases them more, or they are seeking validation
- test EVERYTHING - use constant experimentation to learn more about yourself, never allowing yourself to believe you have found the final answer to anything
- journalling - learn to assess your behaviour and thoughts objectively after you have "cooled down" to double-check your beliefs, intentions and accuracy of perception
What needs to happen before you can have the courage to speak or act as truthfully as possible? How do we achieve deep vulnerable truthfulness?
- take it one small step at a time - desensitize yourself to the fears you have blocking your honesty by trying to be just a little bit more truthful every day
- learn what your values are and start living by them, change your reasons and intentions from outcome-dependence (trying to get something) which often leads to dishonesty, to living by values, which is the path to honesty
- practice in safe places and with safe people first
- leave any situation that fights against you being truthful (e.g. a sales job where you're encouraged to lie) and disconnect from people who don't accept you for what you truly are
- learn how to use The 3X Model
Resources
Approval seeking article www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/are-you-a-toxic-approval-seeker/
Why you need to be more honest www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/making-it-easier-to-be-honest/
Creating meaningful social connections through honesty www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7BayVnkIB0
The 3X Model explained www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/the-3x-confidence-and-authenticity-model-explained/